


I Never Knew (It'd Hurt Me)

by griners



Category: Football RPF, gerlonso - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 13:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/griners/pseuds/griners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all about seeing (what's not there).</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Never Knew (It'd Hurt Me)

Steven falls in love in October, when Xabi looks at him with warm and sincere eyes and Steven finds himself wondering when he will break him.

Steven admits it in December, when he sees a Liverpool scarf on a little store around the corner and he thinks of Xabi.

Steven kisses him in February, when Xabi’s cold and Steven’s colder and it works, somehow. Someway.

Steven tells him in June, and Xabi smiles, says the sun is getting to his head. Steven replies, _it’s not the sun, y’know, gettin’ to my head._

Steven hears it back in August, and he says, _this is it. You, you’re it_.

Steven ruins it in September, when he wakes up to a sleeping Daniel and a heart so full of pain he wants to rip it off his chest.

-

Xabi reacts the way he expected him to. He _understands_.

Steven doesn’t want him to understand. He wants him to hit him and shout and slam the door on his way out of the house. He wants him to look him in the eye, absolutely mad and absolutely furious, and tell him he’s not worth it. He wants him to call him every name in the book and he wants him to go off on a rant in Spanish and he wants him to tell him he’s the biggest piece of scum he’s ever seen.

Instead, Xabi says, _okay_.

And Steven knows, he knows. This is where it ends.

-

He watches from a few feet away as Xabi stretches next to Daniel, laughing and smiling and happy. Daniel looks at Steven for a second before glancing away, and the guilt keeps consuming him.

When it’s lunch time, Xabi sits next to Steven. Yet he notices- that inch of space between them; the way Xabi doesn’t brush his arm against his anymore; how he’s barely said two words to him since he sat down.

And Steven gets it, he does.

But he wonders if it’s really worth it to stay like this. Like there’s a cold wall separating them and for the fucking life of him, he can’t melt it down.

-

They’re having dinner. It’s quiet. Like always.

Steven drags his chair back and stands up abruptly, and Xabi doesn’t even seem to notice. “Can you just-“ he stops himself, breathes in deeply and sets his jaw.

Xabi raises his eyes to him, slowly, calmly, and he asks, “Can I just _what_?”

(And Steven wants to say- _Can you fucking talk to me? God Xabi just yell at me until you lose your voice and punch me until I can’t see straight because it’ll be better than you fucking flinching away from me whenever I try to touch you. Blame me for everything that’s wrong with the world but let me be with you again, please. Stop pushing me away and holding me down because I don’t know what you’re thinking and I don’t know if you can ever forgive me but please, please talk to me. Say something, anything, tell me to fuck off, show me you haven’t given up. I’m done with limbo. Heaven or Hell?_ )

Steven says, “Nothing.”

Xabi nods, looks back down. “Thought so.”

-

Xabi goes out, alone. Daniel finds him drunk out of his mind, in a bar.

His first question is, “Why don’t you hate me?”, and it’s what he’s been trying to ask for months.

Xabi looks at him with miserable eyes and says, “Daniel. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else. That’s not the point here.”

Daniel chuckles, bemused. “Then what is?”

Xabi shrugs. ( _You wouldn’t understand_.)

“Do you still love him?”

Xabi tightens his hand around the glass. “I do,” and he doesn’t hesitate. But then, “That’s the problem.”

-

He looks in the mirror one day. The person looking back at him, Steven doesn’t know who he is.

His face has nothing but a haunted look and his eyes are as dead as he feels.

Or maybe not. He doesn’t feel dead, he feels alive (and it hurts). He feels like ripping off his skin and making a new one free of pain and sins and put it on and erase everything he’s ever done.  He wants to look himself in the mirror and see a person he’s proud of.

Right now, all he sees is embarrassment, and shame. And Xabi, walking away.

-

This one time. Xabi tackles Daniel, and it’s a nasty tackle, one that would get you sent off before you could say _he fucking touched you_.

Daniel’s on the ground and looking wide eyed up at Xabi and he- he doesn’t know what went through him. He helps Daniel up and looks at him for a moment before saying, “I’m sorry.”

Daniel swallows dryly, and looks at the ground. “Xabi, I-“

“No,” and he shakes his head, because, “I’m not- I’m angry. And it’s not you I should be taking it out on.”

Daniel scrunches up his eyes. “When he woke up, that morning. The first word out of his mouth was your name.” Xabi freezes. “I just thought you should know.”

Xabi stands still as Daniel jogs off. He feels like locking himself in his room and never coming out.

-

_(He thinks about kissing him. Then he remembers what he did with those lips- and he backs away from his touch.)_

-

It’s been 5 months since- since. Steven recognizes the pattern by now (he doesn’t break it off; it feels like it).

It’s February, and Steven finds a picture.

It’s a team photo. Carra is drunk and goofing around on his right, and the rest of the guys are all laughing at him, and Steven has his arm draped around Xabi in a moment of pure stupidity. Xabi doesn’t seem to mind (he’s leaning in to his touch, eyes bright and honest and _good_ ).

He drops the picture on the ground and the frame breaks, but he’s not there to listen to it.

-

“We need to talk.” and he walks into the house. Xabi looks like he expected this (Steven asks himself if it’s too late).

“Sit,” he motions for the couch, but Steven stands.

(A muscle ticks in Xabi’s jaw (the tables are turning)).

Steven looks at him, and he says, clearly, slowly, “I cheated on you.”

Xabi straightens his back (feels like collapsing/wants to scream/tries to ignore the sharp pang of pain somewhere on his chest). “I know that.”

“No, you don’t. I mean you do,” he huffs, “You understand. But it hasn’t gotten to your head.”

Xabi frowns. “Is there a reason we’re talking about this?”

“Yes!” he shouts, and Xabi, he doesn’t even react. “Yes, there is! Because you’ve been acting like it never happened and it did! I slept with him, I kissed him, I fucking cheated on you-“

“I know that,” he repeats, and his tone doesn’t change (except- there’s a strain there, deep down. Steven doesn’t catch that).

Steven pulls his hair out of frustration and brings his eyes to his again, “Then why the fuck are you acting like it didn’t _hurt_?”

(Xabi thinks: _I did act like it hurt. Just not in front of you. Just not when you were looking (or pretending to look_.))

“Did you _want_ it to hurt?”

Steven looks taken aback, “No, that’s not what I meant.”

Xabi tilts his head, smiles a smile that’s as scary as his nonchalance. “Is that what this is about? You wanted to hurt me?”

Steven says (explodes): “No, I didn’t want it to fucking hurt! Are you out of your fucking mind? Why would I deliberately hurt someone I love?-“

(He interrupts, or something close to it) “Then why did you do it?”

And- there. He doesn’t answer.

( _I’ve got you._ )

Steven leaves, and that. That’s the end.

-

But not quite.

( _“You never told me you cared.”_

_“You should have known.”_

_“I told you.”_

_“I told you too.”_

_“No, Xabi, you didn’t.”_

_“You don’t need words to show something, Steven.” (Not Stevie, because that would be showing it.) “You just need to see.”_ )

-

And,

( _“I love you,”_

_“Fuck you.”_

_“See? That. Why couldn’t you have told me that before?”_

_“Because I didn’t want you to go through that pain._ )

-

And then, when it really ends.

( _“You changed my life.”_

_“Xabi-“_

_“No, listen. You hurt me. I won’t ever hurt you.”_

_“Please-“_

_“No. That’s not what you do to someone you love.”_

_“Are you saying I didn’t love you?”_

_“I’m saying you did. And do. But you forgot it along the way. And believe me when I say, I wish I could forget it too. All of it.”_ )

-

A wise man once said- _“I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”_

Were you really?


End file.
